Pinoy Jokes

Saturday, August 26, 2006

DESIDERATA and DESIDELATA

DESIDERATA Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy.
"Desiderata" was written in 1927 by Max Ehrmann (1872-1945). In 1956, the rector of St. Paul's Church in Baltimore, Maryland, used the poem in a collection of mimeographed inspirational material for his congregation. Someone who subsequently printed it asserted that it was found in Old St. Paul's Church, dated 1692. The year 1692 was the founding date of the church and has nothing to do with the poem.



DESI-DELATA
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember to pay the jeepney driver before you get off.
As far as possible, when you're in Quiapo, hide all jewelry.Speak of your purchases clearly but quietly; listen and be wary of others, even the cigarette vendors; they too belong to crime syndicates.
Avoid pickpockets and purse snatchers; they can outrun you any time of day.
If you compare yourself to others, you are a true Filipino; for there can never be a greater person than yourself.
Enjoy all the shopping centers as well as the malls. Keep wondering in your own mind, Where are all these people from? and What are they buying?The fact is they're all home; they were the squatters living there before the new MegaMall was erected.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; you will definitely be a victim of estafa. But let this not blind you to the fact that you can also estafa somebody else.
Be like your movie idol; especially, do not feign seduction and come-ons.Neither be cynical about immorality; for in the face of all TV and movie screens, they all engage in wife-swapping and extra marital affairs.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, to the nearest plastic surgeon just around the corner.
Abandon strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with reality and paranoia. Much happiness is born of delusion and ignorance, and there is always a Shabu dealer lurking nearby.
Beyond church, don't be surprised if Cardinal Sin runs for Prez.You are a child of the Philippines, no less than the Marcoses or the Cojuangcos; you have a right to ignore graft and corruption. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt they have no interest in your welfare and rights.
Therefore, be at peace with Authority, in whatever manifestation He appears, and whatever your labors and position. In the noisy confusion of life, make sure you observe all their laws:With all the NPAs, communists, and perverted politicians, "salvage" is still their word for you.
Be creative. Strive to get a visa.... Anywhere.

"Desi-delata" is a canned (delata) Filipino guide by Ambrosio Liwasan, created for the benefit of mga taong walang magawa sa buhay at batong-bato na. The desire to return is always there, but we also have to think about others who are dear to us, they who are still unwilling to accept that it is not where you are but who you are: A World-Class Filipino... Be Proud.....'bo

(sent by M.O'quinn)

what you don't say...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the hooker. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.

(sent by B. Pascual)


Why women live longer # 1


Why women live longer #7

IF YOU ARE FILIPINO, YOU WILL GET THESE...

1. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence. (phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?

2. Use AFFECT in a sentence. Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.

3. Use PAUL four times in a sentence. PAUL, be carePAUL, you might PAUL in the swimming PAUL.

4. Use DELETION in a sentence. The balat of DELETION is crispy.

5. Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in a sentence. At the gas station, some people PAMPERS and some PAPERS.

6. Use TENACIOUS in a sentence. I went to the shoe store to buy a pair of TENACIOUS.

7. Use IRAQ , EGYPT , and IRAN in a sentence. I threw IRAQ at EGYPT and then IRAN .

9. Use DEFLATE in a sentence. Can you please wash DEFLATE for me?

10. Use PERSUADING in a sentence. Jack and Jill got married on Nov. 1, 1997. So on Nov. 1, 1998, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary.

11. Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT,and DETAIL in a sentence. DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE; first DEFEAT, and then DETAIL.

12. Use DEVASTATION in a sentence. Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.

13. Use FACT 3x in a sentence . As a matter of FACT, the birds cannot fly without FACT FACT!

A jolly day to all.....

(sent by J.C. de Comer)

Friday, August 25, 2006

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ An elderly man in North Maine had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoecourts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped andfixed up for swimming.
One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't beenthere for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. Ashe came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watchyou ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. Holding thebucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
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Sent by P.Go

Question: Why do couples hold hands during weddings? Answer: It is just a formality. Like "2 boxers", they shake hands before the fight begins.

What is the most impressive example of Tolerance? A Golden Wedding Anniversary!

Applicants 2 girls nag-aaply ng work.
1 matalino, 1bobo
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo: Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form, nilagay ko sa Sex, sure.


Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who the fatheris?"


Bugtungan Patpat mong matigas Labas masok sa butas,
Pag iyong idiin, giniling giling Kiliti and mararating. Ano ito?
............ Cotton buds! Wag daw dumi isip, bad iyan.

Sensitive Child 1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko. Kung kailangan nyo po parusahan, Sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya. Matatakot na 'yan!

Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs : magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs : tig-isangplato
5-7 yrs : nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs : wala na silang plato That is what we call PLATOnic love!

3 brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu migrated to USA from China.
They decided to change their name :
Bu became Buck Chu became Chuck.
Fu decided to go back to China.

Man : I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in 6 months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!

Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F "?
A - almost gone B -barely noticeable C - comfortable D - damn good
E - extremely big and F - Fake


Learning French
City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Good bye - va vou
Bald - cal vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Cute - a cou


Chalk
Amo : 'Day, ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis. Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati. Next day...... Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader... "Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"


Katapusan
Lumindol ng malakas noon.... Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic. Sumigaw ang isang lalake.. "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake.. "Tanga, a kinse pa lang."


Sent by J.C. de Comer

Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ina nanagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahepabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang niya angkabaongng kanyang ina na mag-isa.Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit angmukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, "Ay,naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay saAmerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay."Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba! Maysulatna-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Angnilalamanng liham na mula kay Bebeng:Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid:Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan saPilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. "Ang gastos ko pa lang sakanyaay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga.Anyway,ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod...Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na karnenorte at isangdosenangspam.Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay. Ang limang pares ngde-gomaay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack na inuunan ninanay.Tig-iisa kayo.Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay.Parasa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi natunaw.Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso niate.Gift Ko sa first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kayNene.Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay, japanese version ng pokemontrading cards at stickers. "Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren,apatna Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya attig-iisaangmga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mgadalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.May isang dosenang NBA capssamay paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong, Tiyo Romy.Bigyannyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at 'yong isa ay kay ParengTulume.Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot dinninanay ay para sa mga anak mo, diko, na nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawangreamng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ninanay.Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isangKiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksiksakilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan.Isang dosenang Wonder bra (Victoria's Secret ata angtatak)gustong-gustoni Tiya Iskang society natin, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam konginaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya. Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra.AngRolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni nanay. Nakatakip sa Nike nawristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay.May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759dollars. Hindi na ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon.Iyong tong na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo Kuya para pag namatay siTatay may pambili na ng ataul.Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na maynakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) nagustong-gusto mo, ditse, aysuot-suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, ditse. Ibigay mo ang isangnailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto.Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3diyamantesa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak na malalaglag na angmga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo.Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at sinanaypa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse.Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay. Pamimisahan ko nalangsiya rito.Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni ate ang emailko.Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.Nagmamahal,Bebeng

Joke sent by J. de los Reyes

I receive a lot of jokes in my mailbox from friends. I decided to compile these and thus, this blog came into being. The nature of these jokes and how we respond to them, reveal much about our character.