Subject: Pampalipas oras

Parishioner: Father bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa may kumbento? may asawa ka?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay! Tumatanggap akong labada!
_____

GF: I ' m warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!!
_____

HONEYMOON:
Wife: Hon wag mo ako bibiglain ha? I ' m still a virgin
Husband: You mean ako ang una?
Wife: Yes, do it na
Husband: I did it na, kanina pa!!
Wife: ah ganon ba? Aray pala!
_____

Ama: Buntis anak ko, panagutan mo!
BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Pano ' to?
BF: Areglo na lang po... 2 M pag Boy, 2.5M pag Girl
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS ha?
_____

Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh... sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas yummy daw talaga si mam! _____

Wife: Dear, ano regalo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa ...
Wife: Wow! How sweet naman... eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Susunduin na kita!
_____

BUS HINOLDAP!
Holdaper: re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! sasagot pa! gagang ' to!
_____

Dalawang probinsyano sumakay sa elevator
Gorio: magkano ibabayad natin?
Andoy: tanga! inosente! bugok! stupid! bat ka magbabayad eh wala pa Tayong tiket!
_____

Pedro bumps a foreigner
Pedro: ay sori
Foreigner: sorry too
Pedro: sori 3
Foreigner: what are you sorry for?
Pedro: (kala mo bobo ako ha!) sori 5
Foreigner: i think you are sick!
Pedro: hahahaha! sick daw, seven sunod!
_____

Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nag tata ka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!
_____

Anak: Itay, bibili ako ng bond paper
Itay: Anak, wag kang bobo ha? hindi "bond paper" ang tawag dun!
Anak: Ano po ba?
Itay: "Kokongban"
_____

Alam mo ba kung bakit may sabaw ang balot?
Kung Ikaw kaya ang ikulong sa shell... saan ka ji-jingle?

_____

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na, "ano ang plano mong itanim sa sakahan mo anak?"
Anak: flowers papa! lots of Bongacious Flowers!!
____
Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink?
____
Misis: " Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister ko kasi dinala Niya ang limang anak namin." Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan!"
_____
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!
_____
Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!
_____
Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa? ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Pedro: Mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.
Hari: Mga kawal! ilabas si Jolibee!
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Sent by Tampuhaw

Superman in Manila.

> A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.
>
>An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
>individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack
>of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --
>an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.
>
>He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
>Their answer would determine who of them would get the job.
>
>The day came and as the four sat around the conference room
>table
>the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"
>Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your
>head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.
>A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
>
>"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
>
>"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
>
>"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
>know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the
>fastest thing I know."
>
>"Excellent! " said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
>a very popular cliche for speed."
>
>He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating
>his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the
>house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that
>switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes
>on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
>
>The interviewer was
>very impressed with the third answer and
>thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of
>light" he said.
>
> Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man,
>the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied,
>"Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's ob yus to me dat
>the fastest thing is Diarrhea."
>
>"WHAT!?"said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
>were already giggling in their
>seats...
>
>"Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader
>day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the CR, but
>before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'tang ina, sir,
>I had alreydi shit in my pants!"
>
>Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

-----------------------------------------------------
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Once upon a time in China , there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs.Chan with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella. The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins.

Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable "leng chais" (handsome guys). They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned' parents, Mr.& Mrs. Chan were curious about their daughters' first-night experience. So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs.Chan told them, "Your father & I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity... you all must use a code to describe your experiences".

So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr. & Mrs.Chan got the first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement. " Ah! Here it is!!!!" exclaimed Mr.Chan. The motto for Standard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY." Mr & Mrs.Chan were happy.

A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. "NESCAFE". So again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad. " Ah! here it is..... 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP.' Mr. and Mrs Chan jumped for joy.

Another week passed. A month passed. 2 months passed. There was still no letter from Ella. The Chans became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Chan managed to figure it out. The code was "PHILIPPINE AIRLINES". Mr. Chan, confused on why she chose Philippine Airlines, rushed to the nearest store and got a newspap er.

He flipped the pages frantically....... "Ah! Here it is!!!" Mrs.Chan grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish .... THUMP!!!... she fell off her chair... The Airline ' s motto was...
"7 TIMES A WEEK.
4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY.
NON-STOP."

Submitted by O.Romero